What am I craving today?
Company. It’s what I crave every day. But not just any kind of company. I have plenty of friends. I see at least one of them every day. I just got back from playing a round of golf with three of them. I had fun. I played well.
No, the company I crave is the kind of company that provides that deeper connection. In a way, I want to call it romantic, but it’s almost more than that. In other entries I’ve talked about Kayla. We had that for awhile. That kind of companionship where you don’t really have to be doing anything. You can just sit with that one person for hours on end and not desire anything more out of this godforsaken world.
I love her.
We were happy for 7 months. Truly happy. The last 3 of those 7 months were the happiest time of my entire life. I don’t know if I’ll ever be that happy again. I don’t know if I’ll ever allow myself to be that happy again. I’ll always compare every moment to how I felt back then, which isn’t fair, but it’s the truth.
Yes, we were happy for 7 months. Then one day she was broken, and we were broken too. We were sad for 2 months. Then we were nothing for a long time. I craved her then. I craved more than just her, though. I craved that elemental feeling that can be shared between two people if you really get it right. If there’s a god, then I don’t know why he chose to send my life into the spiral that it’s been for the last 2 years, but fuck it. We aren’t supposed to understand deities anyway. After we were nothing we tried to be something again. It was a different something and it was a slow something but it was something.
Then one day I was broken. And because she had been broken before she understood what I was going through and she was there for me when I was broken. I’m still broken and so is she. For different reasons that are essentially the same. I guess death picks out his clothes every day like anyone else.
For awhile, we were borderline happy again. I mean, it wasn’t like the first time. But we weren’t the same people. The difference is that I still tried to be me. But she didn’t try to be her. She was content to be a shadow of her former self. So for 5.5 months we pretended to do it again. We pretended to be happy.
Then one day I told her I couldn’t pretend anymore. I couldn’t settle for her shadow, I needed the real her. And the fucked up thing is that in that moment, the real her came out of the darkness and glowed. She was back, for that short moment.
My breath smelled of whiskey and I remember her saying “I like the smell of whatever you drank.”
“It’s whiskey” I said and I kissed her. We knew it was over, so why not kiss? We actually made out for a little while. We cried. It was strange, but also perfect in a way.
I was drunk and she knew it. She always told me she hated when I was drunk, but in that moment she didn’t care. She loved me. She still does. But things didn’t work. Fuck the fairy tales that tell you if you’re in love with someone and they’re in love with you then everything is going to work out. That’s not life. Life is god damn brutal and it doesn’t let you up for air. Life is clawing your way to the surface everyday so that you can take one little breath of the oxygen that your body craves.
I’m craving her right now. But I’m craving the old her. The girl that came back to me for that golden moment when I said it was over. I’m craving that link that we had. I hope I can find that with someone again one day, be it her or someone else.
After we kissed for awhile she said that she needed to go.
“Never forget me, Kayla Quick.”
She smiled through tears and said to me “I couldn’t if I tried.”
She turned and walked to her car and she didn’t look back and all I wanted to do was run to her and grab her and tell her to come inside and stay with me tonight and tell her I didn’t mean it and we could make it work and we just needed to change some things and it would be okay because we love each other.
I didn’t move. I just watched her go.
I’ll never forget her either. I’ll never stop that craving.